Thursday, 16 December 2010

New Christmas Regulations

New christmas regulations

HEALTH AND SAFETY NOTICE

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED
While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Glory shone around.
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and
Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also
requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their
flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation
huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her
Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of
filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.


LITTLE DONKEY
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.
The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the
guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break
in a four-hour plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the
dusty road, Mary & Joseph are required to wear facemasks. The ‘Little
Donkey’ has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ‘Little’ and
would prefer to being simply referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’. Comments upon
his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine
rights.


WE THREE KINGS
We three Kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
Field and fountain,
Moor and Mountain,
Following yonder star.
Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as
‘Cash4Gold’ etc - gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate
due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An
acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended
that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise
the use of AA Routefinder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest
route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the
three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for
the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust
disturbed by the camel hooves.


THE ROCKING CAROL
Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of
allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular
blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered
alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to
a Criminal Records (CRB) bureau check and have enhanced clearance will
be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB
disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of
identification before any rocking commences. The cradle must be rocked
at no more than 24 cycles per minute and at no time violently or with
sudden changes in direction. This ensures optimum comfort levels and
minimises risk of brain or upper spinal injury from 'shaken baby'
syndrome. Until form RC 234/67C is completed to ensure all statutory
restraint straps and guards are present, fit for purpose and well
maintained no rocking shall be started. Simultaneous multiple rockees numbering
3 or more are to be discouraged.


JINGLE BELLS
Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,
Over fields we go – laughing all the way.
A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is
considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment
should also consider whether the use on only one horse in appropriate
– particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission
from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’. To
avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required
that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely
to be of nuisance to others.


RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.
You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R
Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and
further to this, the exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from any reindeer
games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will
be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full
investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such
as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.


AWAY IN A MANGER
Away in a manger – no crib for a bed …


Refer to Social Services immediately!