Thursday, 8 December 2011

Dog Rules For

Dog's Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
Don't pee on the tree...
Don't drink the water in the container that holds the tree...
Mind your tail when you are near the tree...
If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open...
And don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans.
Don't eat off the buffet table.
Beg for goodies subtly.
Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better.
Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
unless you can get away with it...

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: 
Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other
people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM !!!


On December 8th 2011, a hurricane of biblical strength blasted across North and Central Scotland and victims could be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: “Ah wiz pure ****tin’ masel big man so a wiz"

The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Untold disruption and distress was caused:
* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Spanish costas were damaged.
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
* The cone fell off the head of the statue outside Glasgow’s Modern Art Gallery.
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Scotland.
* One resident, Pocahontis McGlinchy, a 17 year old mother-of-three said “Ah wiz like ‘Whit’s that? Ah,canny hear ma choonz innat man. Wee Beyonce came running into my bedroom pure howlin so she wiz. My youngest two, Brooklyn an Blackpool slept through it. I was still pure rattlin when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”
* Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
* The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.
* Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

Clothing is most sought after. Items required include:
- Sovvy rings
- Baseball caps
- Shell suits
- Tesco two stripe trainers
- White socks
- Chunky gold chains

Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
- Mutty Pies and Buckfast
- Hauf Pizza Suppers and Buckfast
- Mars Bars and Buckfast
- Kebabs and Buckfast
- Haggis Suppers and Buckfast
- Fray Bentos Pies and Buckfast

* £2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four.
* £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

Please give generously

With apologies to anyone from Coatbridge.

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

My Thoughts on The British Multicultural Experiment

When I checked my email earlier there was one telling me that UKGovsucksTV had uploaded a new video to YouTube.In this video, viewers were asked about their experience of multiculturalism where they live..

See The UKGovsucksTV channel HERE
Read The UKGovsucksTV blog HERE
With Exclusive videos not available on Youtube

I came up with the following rough notes.

- Our Queen visited recently and my mum (in her 80's) was pushed and shoved by a Muslim woman who only had her eyes showing. Kudos to my mum though..when the woman started shouting 'My Queen!' and waving a normally well mannered mum told her 'she isn't your effing queen and this isn't your country' lol.

- A local woman was stabbed by a rival takeaway owner (Muslim) and the police response was something like. 'We won't be able to find him now, he has probably gone to London'

- A local cafe owner (Muslim) chucked a blind man out who had a guide dog with him...the story got to the nationals but nothing much was done about it so far as I can tell.

- I can't find a British Dentist locally and my bank manager (Polish) had to place the computer screen between us during an interview so that I could help her with her spelling.

- I have also lost business from my Avon round due to multiculturalism as when people move out either Polish or black people move in. Not always, but often enough to be obvious. The Polish people can't speak a word of English so shut the door really quickly and the black people are downright rude and look me up and down like I'm a beggar or something. The Brits don't always buy but they aren't rude to me. I have had to move my business on-line as a result.

- Like I said ..this probably sounds tame...but I don't come from a place that has been 'enriched' overmuch

Oh nearly forgot...why is there a Samba band playing at nearly every community event in my town????

Monday, 29 August 2011

The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

© Christine Miserandino

Monday, 22 August 2011

How Not To Make Porridge

By L Clarke (2011)

How not to make porridge:

1. Add out of date milk to the porridge without realising.

2. Overfill the bowl before you put it in the microwave.

3. Get it out as soon as its cooked, sloping the bowl of steaming hot porridge over your hand.

4. Dance around the kitchen going 'OW!', hanging onto the bowl and sloping more contents over the floor,
counter, your foot, and anything else you can find.

5. Put the bowl down on the counter. Stare in disbelief at the mess.

6. Belately react to the pain in your hand and shove it under the tap.

7. Clear up the mess ineffectively.

8. Try to eat what little is left of the porridge. Screw up face in disgust at the taste of the gone-off milk and spit it out again.

9. Give up and leave the kitchen, peeling your socks off the sticky floor with each step.

10. Feel hungry and return to the kitchen again to make some porridge for breakfast.

(Clarke, L., 2011)

Saturday, 13 August 2011

New Parliament Demands following Looting

Parliament are meeting today to discuss an EU Directive to force all shop keepers to fit safety glass to shop windows. This is due to concerns that looters may be injured.

A Parliamentary spokesmen has said that ‘ Shopkeepers failing to meet the new requirements will be fined heavily and possibly forced to close their businesses.’

As a result InjuryLawyers4You have launched an advertising campaign asking looters to get in touch if they have been injured whilst looting.

Environmental groups have expressed concerns that looters have not been using biodegradable carrier bags to take home their loot.

Safety groups have noticed that many looters riding bicycles were not wearing helmets. A Police Spokesman replied that officers have been instructed to stop any looting youngsters seen riding on the pavement and issue fines. Schools will be organising cycling proficiency courses.

Some groups of looters have been reported holding peaceful protest meetings as they do not agree that shops should shut earlier than normal.
A car that was trashed by looters and burnt out had been left parked the following day on double yellow lines. A parking warden wanted to attach a parking penalty notice to the windscreen but as there was no windscreen he was unable to issue the fine.

Volunteer groups who turned up to help clear up the looters mess have been told to go home by local Council Officials due to Health and Safety concerns. Council Officials said they could help if they had appropriate safety equipment and were able to provide certificated evidence of training. Officials of the Union for Council Cleaning Services have objected to any help from volunteers as this is seen as devaluing the skills of their workers.

The TV Licensing Authority have said that any looters seen carrying a stolen television ‘WILL REQUIRE A TV LICENSE’ and that they will track and fine anyone using a television without a license.

Many police have reported that the front line riot duty has made a welcome change from completing paperwork. However, senior police officials are warning that all leave for the next 10 years will be cancelled so officers will be able to complete all the paperwork required following the 4 days of rioting.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Credit Crunch Tips

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you
like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity
stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply
moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing
your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the
price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in
your coat pocket.

OLD telephone di rectories make ideal personal address books, simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will
wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten
minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips
from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a
window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them
before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Dear Pets...

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run..

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:


(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ....

Friday, 1 July 2011

Simple Guide To Trolling

How To Start Trolling...the basics

1.Refrain from using emotional content in your posts. If you let others know you're perturbed, you will be unable to successfully troll them. The point is to perturb them instead. Language that is riddled with profanity, caps lock, or is inordinately long-winded is a tale-tell sign of emotional content.

2. Do not add people you know in real life to your troll profile, or simply put, don't mix trolling with real life. People you piss off can glean embarrassing information about you - because let's face it: you're probably an embarrassment and a general failure at life - through people you know.

3. Do not divulge to non-trolls that you are trolling. There are no real consequences to ignoring this guideline, but it will be harder to troll those who are aware of your intent. To prevent suspicious non-trolls from lurking in your profile to discover your plans, make private all posts pertaining specifically to trolling.

4. Do not out other trolls. Whether you like them or not, this is uncool. Cut that shit out.

5. Keeping yourself anonymous means to not divulge information even to other trolls. This is important because it's altogether possible that a troll that you friended is actually an anti-troll. An anti-troll is a whiteknight fag who's even more fail than you because this person takes the internet seriously and thinks they are the internet police.

6. When trolling, always remain on the offensive. To take a defensive position is to backpedal, and it gives others the opportunity to exploit your obvious butt hurt. It is a sin for a troll to get pwnd, and other trolls will regard you as a fail-troll if you do. Don’t get pwnd.

7. It is important to screenshot your wins so that you can get everyone in on the lulz. It's no fun if you're the only one laughing, right?

Basic Trolling Techniques
1. Context-Relevant Insult - Insult your target by making fun of their post. When attacking a post, a troll typically focuses on its intellectual integrity, whether it's poor grammar, poor conjecture, or is simply fallacious. The insult itself, however, does not necessarily require any intellectual integrity; the point is to expose, anger or embarrass your target.

2. Antagonistic Insult - Naturally, any insult is antagonistic. The difference, however, is that an antagonistic insult is pure ad hominem, that is an attack on the target's character or appearance. The antagonistic insult should not be overused, as your target will quickly develop an emotional tolerance to your bullshit. Instead, use this technique to throw your opponents off-balance, so you can trash them with your heavier artillery. Think of it as your jab: basic, but lacks knockout power.
Attacks on character should be well-placed and relevant rather than random. Random insults may not strike a nerve, and you risk getting into a pointless back-and-forth flame war with your opponent.
Attacking someone's appearance, on the other hand, is quite easy and effective, as people tend to be sensitive about their looks, especially women. For greater effect, try to associate the person's appearance to a celebrity or character who is unattractive. For example, "Omg what the hell is that creature? I can't tell if it's a woman or William Dafoe in drag".

3. Shock Posting - Some particularly enlightened non-trolls know that the best way to make a troll go away is to ignore them. Fuck that. Shock-posting will send them into a frothing rage. A shock post is usually something so terrible and amoral that even the hardest cynics will crack. A disturbing or obscene image or a particular slur should do the trick. Keep in mind, however, that shock posting will typically get you banned, so make sure to have extra sock-puppets handy. Also keep in mind that you will probably be reincarnated as a leper for pulling this shit.

4. Inane Flaming - In Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Li Mu Bai states, "True sharpness is effortless". This is indeed true in the art of trolling, and even a bottom-feeding low-brow asshat such as yourself can grasp the eloquent wisdom of Taoist sages.
This beautifully simplistic technique is called the Inane Flame. When your opponent has become particularly resistant to your trolling measures, or insists on engaging in a flame-war with you, you can often crush the stalemate through its use. An inane flame is an anti-intellectual post, often a short insult, used to make people who think they're smart to rant like morons. This is particularly effective because everyone thinks they're smart, and a single inane post can be repeated over and over again and the delusional pseudo-intellectual will take the bait each time, until they give up defeated.

5. Antithetical Position - Upon entering a group, the troll takes on a contrarian position. For example, if it's a Christian group, the troll is a belligerent atheist. The troll will attempt to fool members of the group into believing the troll is for real, and utilize sophisms, well-placed insults, and ridiculous rhetoric to completely whip the group's members into a frenzy. A group of contrarian trolls can effectively divide and dismantle a group, especially if no one is aware that they are trolls.

6. Position of Naivete - The troll pretends to be innocent and naive while intentionally making ignorant and hard-headed remarks in order to mess with gullible idiots, who will in turn take genuine pity upon the troll and try to school him on the error of his ways. The troll will then tool around with his targets like a puppet master until finally revealing to them that he was fucking with them. Massive lulz follow.

7. Sophistry - The troll manipulates arguments to his favor through the use of fallacious logic. One of the troll's most effective tools of sophistry is called the Strawman Argument: the troll intentionally misrepresents his opponent's argumentative position and attacks the false argument instead of the original one. This is a good way to get your opponent to backpedal and expose flaws in their reasoning, as well as a classy way to troll.

8. Strong-Arming - When a team of trolls flash-mob a group, they are particularly effective when they gang up on a single person. This has a greater psychological impact than a single person flaming another with equal intensity because people feel overwhelmed when there's a growing consensus against them. Be aware, however, that a group of non-trolls may organize and try this with you, especially if you piss enough of them off. However, as long as you keep caveat #1 in mind, you will be unharmed and quickly realize that you possess the capacity to single-handedly render their efforts ineffective.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Finally Got My Assignment Sorted

I thought I might end up leaving it until the last minute to send my assignment in but had a couple of hours spare while Gift Box picked up my son's Superhero gifts on Facebook.

In all he picked up 3892 gifts and it finally stopped picking them up at about 0445. He must be psychically linked to this computer because the message came up on the screen just as I heard his bedroom door open on his way to the loo.

I am sooo disorganised. I checked on the OU site to see if there were any tasks I needed to complete and I hadn't listened to the audio on how to prepare for my assignment....didn't need it though as my assignment wasn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be.

The 2nd assignment is due in on the 26th of July and I have a busy week ahead so I might take the weekend off.

On Monday I have a council meeting to attend. Then on Tuesday there is a British National Party meeting...that should be fun. Then on Wednesday I am doing a 'be kind to neighbours' stint and walking my neighbour over to see the nurse at our medical drop in centre.

My son is going fishing in Plymouth on Thursday and is travelling back the next day so I am planning on doing a major declutter and spring clean of the flat while I have some alone time when I won't be asking him to shift his bum all day so I can get to what I want to do.

Friday, 10 June 2011

It's That Time Again!!!....Open University Blues

Oh Dear....have spent so much time on Facebook I am way behind with my first assignment for my OU Social Science course.

I am meant to be outlining inequalities in Gosport High street and comparing them with those I learned about when reading about City Road in 750 words.

So far I have written about 700 words.....of waffle.

I think my best bet is to type all the waffle and loads more into a Word document and then do a quick edit to get rid of the worst waffle.

It's now 9am...went to bed about 2am and got up to go to the loo about 5am and magically appeared on did that happen?

Since then I have faffed about on the Avon site...waffled on the money saver expert site and blogged for a bit.

Nipping off now to drop off some Avon brochures and pick up a TV mag from Morrisons.

Oh well.....being my own boss while studying sort of works that way with me.

I need to send the assignment in on-line by I will most likely be working on it till silly O'clock on Monday :)

Sunday, 22 May 2011

A Pets Ten Commandments

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation
from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10 On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.
Take a moment today to thank GOD for your pets. Enjoy and take good care of them.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

I Don't Care....(Sent to me by email)

'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores in July 2002, and in New York on 11 Sept 2001, and have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day in London , and in downtown Manhattan , and in a field in Pennsylvania ?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against in a brutal insurgency.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11 and 7/7.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Afghanistan come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques and behind women and children.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of Nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the British media stops pretending that their freedom of speech on stories is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something happens.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a British soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this:

I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take this to the bank:

I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner - who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and 'fed special food' that is paid for by my taxes - is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts:

I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, believe me!! you guessed it ........

I don't care!!

Friday, 15 April 2011

What I have been up to :)

I seem to be spending all of my time in Internet World, but apparently not here on this blog since bad :(

I was prompted to come here from the eBid forums where someone asked for an idiot's guide to blogging.

Ebid is a great place to buy hand crafted items as we have lots of crafty sellers. I buy all my hand crafted greetings cards here.

If you haven't joined can join up HERE

Other things to keep me busy are my off-line and on-line Avon and Oriflame businesses as well as my Open University course that has just started.

New to SUNNY CREATIVES and arriving soon are lots of new ranges of really great gifts, goth clothing and jewellery.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

I'm Having a few Days Off

My next door neighbour dropped by with an Avon order today and said she would get her daughter to come round with an order by Thursday (20th January).

I asked why Thursday and she said that I had to send my order in that day.. Doh!...thought I had until next week to send it in so it looks like after Thursday I have no Avon stuff to be going along with until next week.

That's cool because we had a washing machine related flood through our kitchen and living room recently and all my floors are muddy and I now have a few days off work to clear up the mess.

I booked an appointment to see the plumber for this morning and it's nearly half past three and he hasn't turned up yet. I've called one out because we have no hot water in the kitchen but strangely, have hot water in the bathroom. I think our plumbing has an identity crisis.