Friday, 1 July 2011

Simple Guide To Trolling

How To Start Trolling...the basics

1.Refrain from using emotional content in your posts. If you let others know you're perturbed, you will be unable to successfully troll them. The point is to perturb them instead. Language that is riddled with profanity, caps lock, or is inordinately long-winded is a tale-tell sign of emotional content.

2. Do not add people you know in real life to your troll profile, or simply put, don't mix trolling with real life. People you piss off can glean embarrassing information about you - because let's face it: you're probably an embarrassment and a general failure at life - through people you know.

3. Do not divulge to non-trolls that you are trolling. There are no real consequences to ignoring this guideline, but it will be harder to troll those who are aware of your intent. To prevent suspicious non-trolls from lurking in your profile to discover your plans, make private all posts pertaining specifically to trolling.

4. Do not out other trolls. Whether you like them or not, this is uncool. Cut that shit out.

5. Keeping yourself anonymous means to not divulge information even to other trolls. This is important because it's altogether possible that a troll that you friended is actually an anti-troll. An anti-troll is a whiteknight fag who's even more fail than you because this person takes the internet seriously and thinks they are the internet police.

6. When trolling, always remain on the offensive. To take a defensive position is to backpedal, and it gives others the opportunity to exploit your obvious butt hurt. It is a sin for a troll to get pwnd, and other trolls will regard you as a fail-troll if you do. Don’t get pwnd.

7. It is important to screenshot your wins so that you can get everyone in on the lulz. It's no fun if you're the only one laughing, right?

Basic Trolling Techniques
1. Context-Relevant Insult - Insult your target by making fun of their post. When attacking a post, a troll typically focuses on its intellectual integrity, whether it's poor grammar, poor conjecture, or is simply fallacious. The insult itself, however, does not necessarily require any intellectual integrity; the point is to expose, anger or embarrass your target.

2. Antagonistic Insult - Naturally, any insult is antagonistic. The difference, however, is that an antagonistic insult is pure ad hominem, that is an attack on the target's character or appearance. The antagonistic insult should not be overused, as your target will quickly develop an emotional tolerance to your bullshit. Instead, use this technique to throw your opponents off-balance, so you can trash them with your heavier artillery. Think of it as your jab: basic, but lacks knockout power.
Attacks on character should be well-placed and relevant rather than random. Random insults may not strike a nerve, and you risk getting into a pointless back-and-forth flame war with your opponent.
Attacking someone's appearance, on the other hand, is quite easy and effective, as people tend to be sensitive about their looks, especially women. For greater effect, try to associate the person's appearance to a celebrity or character who is unattractive. For example, "Omg what the hell is that creature? I can't tell if it's a woman or William Dafoe in drag".

3. Shock Posting - Some particularly enlightened non-trolls know that the best way to make a troll go away is to ignore them. Fuck that. Shock-posting will send them into a frothing rage. A shock post is usually something so terrible and amoral that even the hardest cynics will crack. A disturbing or obscene image or a particular slur should do the trick. Keep in mind, however, that shock posting will typically get you banned, so make sure to have extra sock-puppets handy. Also keep in mind that you will probably be reincarnated as a leper for pulling this shit.

4. Inane Flaming - In Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Li Mu Bai states, "True sharpness is effortless". This is indeed true in the art of trolling, and even a bottom-feeding low-brow asshat such as yourself can grasp the eloquent wisdom of Taoist sages.
This beautifully simplistic technique is called the Inane Flame. When your opponent has become particularly resistant to your trolling measures, or insists on engaging in a flame-war with you, you can often crush the stalemate through its use. An inane flame is an anti-intellectual post, often a short insult, used to make people who think they're smart to rant like morons. This is particularly effective because everyone thinks they're smart, and a single inane post can be repeated over and over again and the delusional pseudo-intellectual will take the bait each time, until they give up defeated.

5. Antithetical Position - Upon entering a group, the troll takes on a contrarian position. For example, if it's a Christian group, the troll is a belligerent atheist. The troll will attempt to fool members of the group into believing the troll is for real, and utilize sophisms, well-placed insults, and ridiculous rhetoric to completely whip the group's members into a frenzy. A group of contrarian trolls can effectively divide and dismantle a group, especially if no one is aware that they are trolls.

6. Position of Naivete - The troll pretends to be innocent and naive while intentionally making ignorant and hard-headed remarks in order to mess with gullible idiots, who will in turn take genuine pity upon the troll and try to school him on the error of his ways. The troll will then tool around with his targets like a puppet master until finally revealing to them that he was fucking with them. Massive lulz follow.

7. Sophistry - The troll manipulates arguments to his favor through the use of fallacious logic. One of the troll's most effective tools of sophistry is called the Strawman Argument: the troll intentionally misrepresents his opponent's argumentative position and attacks the false argument instead of the original one. This is a good way to get your opponent to backpedal and expose flaws in their reasoning, as well as a classy way to troll.

8. Strong-Arming - When a team of trolls flash-mob a group, they are particularly effective when they gang up on a single person. This has a greater psychological impact than a single person flaming another with equal intensity because people feel overwhelmed when there's a growing consensus against them. Be aware, however, that a group of non-trolls may organize and try this with you, especially if you piss enough of them off. However, as long as you keep caveat #1 in mind, you will be unharmed and quickly realize that you possess the capacity to single-handedly render their efforts ineffective.