Monday, 26 November 2012

Life in A USA Prison


USA JAIL - SOME INTERESTING READING
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO, HE IS THE MARICOPA COUNTY SHERIFF ( ARIZONA) AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER AGAIN.



These are some of the reasons why:



Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the 'tent city jail' to save Arizona from spending tens of millions of dollars on another expensive prison complex.

He has jail meals down to 20 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He banned smoking and pornographic magazines in the jails, and took away their weightlifting equipment and cut off all but 'G' movies. He says:
'They're in jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can assault innocent people when they leave.'



He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city projects and save taxpayer's money.



Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel, he replied: 'So these morons will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.'
He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back.'
He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series that actually tells the truth for a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why 95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record for June 2nd 2007), the Associated Press reported: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed wire surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.



On the Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were overheard chatting in the tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees.
'This is hell. It feels like we live in a furnace,' said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. 'It's inhumane.'
Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. 'Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commit more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.'

The same day he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the tents: 'It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!'

Way to go, Sheriff! If all prisons were like yours there would be a lot less crime and we would not be in the current position of running out of prison spaces.

If you agree, pass this on.
If not, just delete it.

Sheriff Joe was just re-elected as Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Mary Berry's Silly Twit's IceCream


Silly Twit's IceCream - basic recipe:

4 good size eggs
4oz/100g caster sugar [I use golden granulated]
1/2pt/300ml double cream
1teaspn vanilla essence [NOT flavouring]

1. Seperate the eggs. Place yolks in small bowl and beat well.
Whisk egg whites until stiff, then whisk in the sugar 1 teaspn at a time.

2. Whip the cream until it forms soft peaks, then fold in the egg white
with the yolks and vanilla essence.

3. Turn into a 2 1/2 pt [1.4lt] container, cover & freeze until solid.

To serve: remove from freezer and at leave at room temperature for
about 5-10 minutes before serving.
=================================================

VARIATIONS:
Omit vanilla and fold in at end of step 2: .....
Coffee & Brandy - 2 tbsp coffee essence and 2 tbspn brandy
Bailey' s - 4-5 tbspns gently folded into whipped cream before adding egg white & yolks
Fresh Lemon or Lime - grated rind and juice of 2 lemons or limes.
Fresh fruit - 1/4 pt 150 ml sieved puree of soft fruits e.g. raspberry, blackberry,
strawberry, loganberry, gooseberry.
N.B. Blackberries & gooseberries should be cooked before pureeing,
others are best pureed [liquidised] raw.
Tutti Frutti - 4oz / 100gm mixed chopped glace pineapple, raisins, dried apricots,
cherries and angelica, all soaked overnight in 4 tbspn brandy.

Delicious served with Hot Cocolate Sauce!

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Vodka Christmas Cake

Vodka Christmas Cake 

Ingredients:
1 cup sugar, 
1 tsp. baking powder, 
1 cup water, 
1 tsp. salt , 
1 cup brown sugar, 
Lemon juice, 
4 large eggs, 
Nuts, 
1......bottle Vodka, 
2 cups dried fruit.

Method
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. 
Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then
Repeat. 
Turn on the electric mixer. 
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. 
Beat again. 
At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. 
Try another cup just in case. 
Turn off the mixerer thingy. 
Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 
Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. 
Mix on the turner. 
If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver 
Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.
 Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. 
Check the Vodka.
 Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. 
Add one table. 
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
 Whatever you can find.
 Greash the oven. 
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. 
Don't forget to beat off the turner. 
Finally, throw the bowl through the window. 
Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat. ♥


Friday, 2 November 2012

Wrapping Presents With a Cat

Wrapping Presents with a Cat

1.. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2.. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.

3.. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4.. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5.. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6.. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . .

7.. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8.. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.

9.. Remove present from bag.

10.. Remove cat from bag.

11.. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12.. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13.. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.

14.. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15.. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.

16.. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.

7.. Place present on paper.

18.. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

19.. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.

20.. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

21.. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

22.. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.

23.. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

24.. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25.. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26.. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.

27.. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28.. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

29.. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.

30.. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.

31.. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.

32.. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)

33.. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)

34.. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.

35.. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36.. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.

37.. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.

38.. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

39.. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40.. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41.. Go to store and buy a gift.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Chili Cook Off :)

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the he!! is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report.